When Rewards Backfire — And What to Do Instead
By Stephanie O’Driscoll, MA, BCBA, LBA
Rewards can be a powerful way to build new skills. But sometimes families notice something frustrating:
The rewards seem to be causing more arguing, more negotiating, or more demands — not less.
If that’s happening, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It just means the system needs a few adjustments.
Here are common ways rewards can backfire — and what to try instead.
When Kids Start Demanding Rewards for Everything
You ask your child to do something simple, and they respond with:
“What do I get?”
This can happen when rewards are used for every small expectation.
What to Do Instead
Be selective. Use rewards for:
New skills
Especially hard tasks
Big improvements
For everyday expectations (like getting dressed or brushing teeth), use calm follow-through and encouragement instead of prizes.
You might say:
“That’s just part of our routine,”
followed by praise once it’s done.
When Rewards Turn Into Negotiations
If every task leads to bargaining (“Two cookies instead!” “Five more minutes!”), rewards may not be clearly defined.
What to Do Instead
Set the reward and stick with it ahead of time.
“After homework, you get 15 minutes of your game.”
If your child tries to negotiate, keep it calm and brief:
“That’s the plan.”
Consistency reduces power struggles over time.When Rewards Are Offered During Meltdowns
Offering a reward in the middle of big behavior often makes that behavior more likely in the future.
“If you stop screaming, you can have your tablet.”
Now the tablet is linked to the meltdown.
What to Do Instead
Focus first on calming and safety. Once your child is regulated, you can practice the skill you want to see next time (like asking for a break).
Rewards should follow positive behavior — not stop negative behavior.
When the Reward Is Bigger Than the Task
If a small expectation earns a huge reward, children may refuse anything that doesn’t come with a big payoff.
What to Do Instead
Match the size of the reward to the size of the task.
Small task → Small reward
Bigger effort → Bigger reward
This keeps motivation balanced and expectations realistic.
When Kids Lose Interest in the Reward
Sometimes a system stops working simply because the reward isn’t exciting anymore.
What to Do Instead
Update rewards regularly. Let your child help choose from a few options. Interests change — motivation should too.
When Rewards Replace Connection
If every interaction becomes transactional, kids may miss the emotional piece that actually drives long-term cooperation.
What to Do Instead
Make sure praise, attention, and connection stay front and center.
“I love how hard you tried.”
“Thanks for helping — that made things easier.”
Those moments build internal motivation over time.
The Bigger Picture
Rewards are tools — not the goal.
They help jump-start skills that are hard right now. As those skills grow, rewards should gradually fade and be replaced with:
Pride
Independence
Smoother routines
Positive relationships
If rewards are creating stress instead of support, it’s a sign to adjust the plan — not abandon it altogether.
A Final Thought
When used thoughtfully, rewards build confidence and cooperation. When they start causing battles, it’s usually a sign that expectations, timing, or balance need a reset.
You’re not trying to raise a child who only works for prizes.
You’re helping a child practice hard skills until those skills feel natural — and that takes patience, flexibility, and a little trial and error along the way.